编辑 | 学术君
如果你还在纠结“老妈和女朋友掉水里先救谁”这种问题，那你真的是上一个时代的人了。
现在，流行掉水里的是辅导员好吗？
“如果你的辅导员掉进了水里，那你的专业能干些什么？”一起看看这些神回答吧，笑哭……
♡
经济学 Economics
当然是让市场这只看不见的手拉他一把呀。 Use Market the Invisible Hand to pull him up, of course. ♡
同声传译 Simultaneous Interpretation 辅导员：救命啊！ 我：Help!
辅导员：谁来救救我啊？ 我：Can anybody help me?
辅导员：我不会游泳！ 我：I can’t swim! ♡
服装设计 Fashion Design 把这悲伤的记忆做到下一季的灵感板里面。 Put this sad memory on next season’s mood board.
♡
平面设计 Graphic Design
打开PS，使用魔棒工具选择水中的辅导员，用 ctrl 和 alt 两个快捷键调整辅导员的细节，新建一张干爽的地面，新建一个复制图层。 Open Photoshop. Use Wand tool to select the counselor. Use the hot keys Ctrl and Alt to alter the details of him. Create a new layer with dry ground in it. Make a copy layer.
嗯，这是最快的办法，虽然辅导员会掉不少头发，不过他现在上岸了。 Right, this is the fastest way. Although he’ll lose a lot of hair, he is on the land now, safe and sound.
♡
旅游管理 Tourism Management 各位游客大家好。我们走近看一下，这里是我们辅导员落水的地方，大家可以拿出手机和相机拍照，10块钱一张，记得在后面排队哦。 Attention guys. Let’s have a closer look here. This is where the counselor fell into water. You can take out your phones or your cameras to take some photos. The price for each shot is 10 RMB. Please stay in a queue.
♡
传媒学 Media Studies 帮学校辟谣。“我们并没有这个辅导员。” Help the school deny it. “There was no such a counselor here.” ♡
动画 Animation 导员儿啊！你看我渲染的这个水面，和你看到的是不是一样啊？你看你看，还支持水花呢！ Mr. Counselor! Look at this water surface that I just rendered. Is it the same of what you see there? Look! It even supports the spray effect! ♡
临床心理学 Clinical Psychology
如果他会游泳，等他上岸了给他做个PTSD心理疏导。 If he can swim, I’ll wait for him to get on the land again and do a PTSD counseling with him.
如果他不会游泳，那就去给他的家人做心理疏导好了。 If he cannot swim, I guess I can go and do a PTSD counseling with his family. ♡
生物工程 Biological Engineering
加入大量乙醚，利用溶解性和密度的差异把辅导员萃取出来。 Add a lot of diethyl ether, extract the counselor out by manipulating the difference of solubleness and density.
如果辅导员掉在河里找不见了，可以减压蒸馏减少一下河水的量。 If I already can’t see him in the river, I can do a reduced pressure distillation to get rid of some water.
也可以先做个核磁，看看这是不是我的辅导员，他可能发生了分子内重排。 Or maybe we should do MR scanning first to see if he is still my counselor since he may have experienced intramolecular rearrangement.
其实我也不介意直接在加了辅导员的河水里开个反应，他可能可以当催化剂。 Of course, I won’t mind to just start a reaction in the water in which the counselor has been added. He may work as a catalyst. ♡
小学教育 Elementary Education
小朋友们，辅导员老师掉到水里了，太危险了！我赶快来想想办法吧！我们可以找大象哥哥来帮忙，他可以把辅导员捞上来。我们也可以找河马叔叔来帮忙，他可以把辅导员拖上来。大家快开动自己的小脑袋瓜，想想我们还能用什么办法把辅导员老师救上来吧。 Attention, kids! Mr. Counselor has just fallen into the river. This is very, very dangerous. Let’s find a way to save him. We can ask Mr. Elephant to salvage him. We can also ask Uncle Hippo to pull him up. Now, use your little brains. Do we have other ways to save Mr. Counselor from drowning? ♡
人力资源管理 Human Resource Management
招聘人来捞他。 Hire people to salvage him. 培训捞他的人。 Train these people. 给捞他的人打绩效，给钱激励那些努力捞的人，辞退捞不着的人。 Manage their performance. Use extra money to motivate those who work hard. Fire those who failed to salvage him.
按照掉河规律制定打捞用人规划。 Do some human resource planning for the salvage job based on his regularity of falling. ♡
计算机科学 Computer Science
重新定义一个辅导员。 Redefine Counselor.
♡
汉语言文学 Chinese Language and Literature
遂著《捞师表》。 Write an article called Memorial on Salvaging the Counselor.
♡
哲学 Philosophy
首先我们要回答一个问题：辅导员的本质是什么？ First, we need to answer a question: What is the essence of a counselor?
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信息安全 Information Safety
屏蔽附近所有的通讯设备，阻止有人报警。 Screen all the communication equipments in this area. Prevent anyone from calling the police.
♡
金融 Finance
估算一下他的剩余价值和可变现净值。 Estimate his surplus value and net realizable value.
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油画 Painting
给他画个像吧。但是一切发生得太快了，可能只能画出印象派的。 Paint a portrait for him. But this is happening too fast. I guess I can only make it in the impressionistic way.
♡
软件工程 Software Engineering
让他再重现一次掉落过程，我好找bug。 Let him reproduce the process of falling into water, so that I can find where the bug is. ♡
给排水工程 Water Supply and Sewerage Engineering
你算是问对人了。当然是把水处理得干净一点呀。 Yeah, you’re asking the right person. I’ll surely make the water cleaner.
♡
物理学 Physics
辅导员不会凭空产生，也不会凭空消失，只能从一种形式的辅导员转换为另一种形式的辅导员。其过程中，辅导员的总量保持不变。 A counselor cannot be created or destroyed. It just switches from one form of existence to another. The total amount of counselors stays the same in this process.
同学们，考验你们专业水平的时候到了！
面对落水的辅导员同志，你们还能做些什么？
本文来源：沪江英语、中国日报双语新闻、社科学术圈
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